It is a funny thing. This past week, after receiving such awful news I have thought of nothing else. I am still carrying on with my day to day routine, but I feel like I am in another world, as if I am just going through the motions. I can't tune out the reality of what is happening however hard I try, and to be honest I am not sure I should be trying. I think this is what I need to do right now so that I can start to process it, and try to find a place in my mind and my heart that understands why these things happen, if there even is such a place.
I spent some time outside this morning, picking produce, and weeding, and pottering around the garden. I enjoyed feeling the warm sun, and smelling the earth, and I felt grateful that I can. It made me feel more grounded in a way, a little less uncertain and scared of what lies ahead, although I am still uncertain and scared of what lies ahead.
I want so much to do something, to help in some way, and yet I know that ultimately I can't. All I can do is be here, and do what I do, and keep on going so that I can try to be ready for what lies ahead.
I don't usually blog about personal stuff but it has been an extremely emotional week and what has happened is so much a part of me that I feel like I have to say something. If I don't this blog will be pointless because it wont really reflect who I am.
I found out last week that my cousin is very ill. It was a terrible shock. She is young, vibrant, and beautiful, and one of the most active people I know. And now she is ill. I was in a state of shock at first, but now I think I have moved through that to deep sadness and grief. I don't know what to with what I am feeling because I have never felt this way before, and it is hard. However, I keep thinking that however hard it is for me right now, it is a million times harder for her. This is what I have been thinking about a lot over the past week.
One bright spot that lifted the way I have been feeling was last Saturday when Kendra and Emily were so very honored to be flower girls at my dear friend Bo's wedding.
It was truly a beautiful wedding, full of love, and friendship, and happiness for new beginnings. I was so happy to be there and to share this, and so proud that my girls were a part of it all. Thank you Bo!
At the weekend I commandeered Robert's help to get the sand box dug out completely. It was a task that has been hanging over me for months and I am glad it is done.
It will increase the area I have to plant veggies by a good few feet once I have filled it with more top soil. You can see my new City of Phoenix Trash can/ compost box as well. I have two now, and I need them because I always have a lot of stuff to compost and nowhere to put it.
Eventually the white fence will be moved forward to prevent the dogs from getting into the whole area. I am glad that it is almost done, and I am excited to have more veggie growing space.
On another note, I was listening to Barbara Kingsolver on NPR yesterday morning. She was saying that living in Appalachia among all the moisture and greenness, she feels secure in the fact that there are always things growing around her. This completely sums up how I feel, and may be why I can never quite relax living in an area where all of our water is borrowed. It was a real AHA moment for me!
Yesterday I planted the garlic that has been sitting on my counter top for weeks. I ordered it from Ronniger Potato Farm and I am sure that it is very glad to finally be planted in the earth.
I have never grown garlic before so I will be interested to see how it turns out. I am growing two kinds, Red Toch, and Silver White both of which are said to do well in warmer climates.
I also planted onion seeds yesterday, and I currently have swiss chard, (my everlasting favorite), spinach, carrots, leeks, and beet seedlings that are growing well.
I also have mature pepper and chili plants that are beginning to produce, and pumpkins, tomatillos, cucumbers, and zucchinis. I am getting a handful of cucumbers and zucchinis each day now which is great because I was beginning to think that I wouldn't get more than a handful of each this fall.